I said it, uncoupling. Not sure if it fits but it is one description of the deconstruction, dissolution, or separation of two souls who prior to this, made vows to hang out until the end of time. Nice of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to lead the way. Those of us in the ADR, alternative dispute resolution, field are ecstatic when any celebrity decides to try something different and far from “the War of the Roses”, part deux.
Prior to becoming a mediator for child access and a divorce coach in a new way to divorce called Collaborative, I have been a child and or family therapist for families following divorce. Recently, bravely, I have tried working with couples, without their attorneys present, to plan steps to keep their children out of the middle of the traditional litigation road, which I need to add, can cost a great deal of money and strain on an already struggling family system. At the present time I am more likely to tell parents that their children probably do not need individual therapy, but that if they, the parents could show up, find a way to communicate more effectively, maybe even kindly, with some pretense of caring, that their children will be better, do better, going forward. Lucky for me, that is exactly what research on this topic tells us!
This blog is not just for divorcing couples with children. I hope my message also has some wisdom for child – free couples. Perhaps there is a family pet or really, really good friends and family that are still up for grabs in the “who gets me in the divorce” category? For whatever reason you have stopped to check-in to the “showing up blog”, thanks for showing up! Future posts will venture into ideas, thoughts, behaviors that actually support people showing up for the end of their relationship better than they did during their relationship. I know it may sounds a little different but stay tuned and show up!
Thoughts for this round of showing up…
Visualize this scene, you are standing at one end of a rope and your spouse – not to be- is standing at the other end. In the middle of the rope is your beautiful, talented, adorable children. The ones you have loved, kissed, fed, bathed, spent countless hours caring for, shown up for when they were the most vulnerable; add to that, spent more money and resources than you could have ever imagined. Think of the countless hours you have spent building the human-being scaffolding to help them become solid moral human beings. Ask yourself this question. ” is putting them in the middle going to make them more or less resilient in their life?”